“Do you looooove me,
Do you love me?
There was a long period of time where I would have given anything to be anyone but me. I hated myself, inside and out. I hated how I looked, I hated how I acted, I hated what I had become.
I cannot begin to express how it feels to be able to say that now, as I am sitting writing this, how much this has changed.
When I wake up in the morning (usually wrapped around my boyfriend like some sort of limpet) I feel excited about what the day may bring. I look forward to spending time exploring new places and starting new adventures. And I am thankful that I am me, not anyone else, but me.
There was a time in my life when I couldn’t even stand to look in the mirror, I was so ashamed of what I had allowed myself to become. I weighed in at around or just under eight stone and yet the reflection that started back at me was one of a monster, a grotesque fat being that did not deserve any happiness. No matter what I achieved it was never enough. I relearnt to walk – so what, I couldn’t run a marathon. I ran a marathon – so what, I didn’t do it fast enough. I got my running time down to eight minute miles – so what, it wasn’t six.
The self loathing I had for myself had become beyond my control. Every aspect of my life was affected. I lost weight. I lost friends. I lost myself.
It is hard to pinpoint the exact moment that this changed, but it did.
I slowly started to believe what other people were saying. I had overcome something that not many people would ever even dream of overcoming. I had nearly died and yet here I was, a mid twenties girl with the rest of her life ahead of her.
And when it did change, so did everything else.
I started to see each and every one of my achievements as actual achievements.
I started to see a kind and caring face staring back at me in the mirror.
I started to see my body as an incredible piece of machinery that had enabled me to overcome the greatest of feats.
It was only when I reached this stage (which was a rather treacherous and bumpy route to get to) that I finally felt proud to be me.
And that’s how I feel today, sat here writing this. I finally feel good enough to allow myself to be happy. I feel ready to be in a relationship with someone that I love, and to feel worthy of the love that I receive.
It may have taken five years, but I now feel that I would give anything to just keep on being me.