Sunday blues

 

I would not wish depression upon anyone, even my worst enemy (if I happened to have one).

Depression is S**t.

There is no other way to describe it.

Well that is untrue, there are quite a few ways, but they are complicated and difficult to explain; so instead of trying to explain it, I am instead going to describe what depression is to me.

Every single person that has suffered from depression will have a different story to tell.

This is mine.

Sometimes I am happy, very happy, I am so happy that sunshine beams from my face, I walk/float on clouds and everything I touch turns to glitter. My mind runs at a million miles a minute, creating, imagining, inventing.

Nothing is impossible.

And then it suddenly hits me; like a storm. Heavy rain droplets beating down, wind blowing me this way and that, uncontrollable hailstones crashing around me, the thunder rumbles misery and disgust.

I think what makes my depression so unbearable is the feeling of complete hopelessness. It makes me believe that there is no way out, there is no alternative option, this will be how I will feel for the rest of my life.

My depression is selfish.

Or is it that I am selfish?

Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between the two.

It makes me not care about other people’s feelings. It makes me not bother about looking after myself. It makes me want to hurt, to pay for what I have done. It makes me feel alone.

That is one of the scariest parts. Depression makes me someone that I am not. It makes me think in a way that would be otherwise unimaginable.

I have been in touch with the mental health team for well over a decade now. Every time I manage to get discharged by acting ‘normal’ for a period of time. But I will never be ‘normal’. I cannot imagine a time when my depression will not come along and ruin everything, it is what has happened every time, and I cannot see it changing anytime soon.

People always love to say:

“But you have so much to look forward to, how can you be depressed?”

But that is not the point.

Depression is not a choice.

Depression is not logical.

Depression is an illness.

Sure, there are precautions you can take to help subside those depressive feelings, but at the end of the day, when depression comes, depression comes with a vengeance.

That disasterous storm enters your life and destroys everything you have been working towards for weeks, months, or even years.

I would not wish depression on my worst enemy.

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