I have lost myself again
Myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Sat in a zombie like state on the bus on the way to my first ever hospital appointment by myself listening to Sia’s “Breathe Me” and it’s about a million degrees outside. Just my luck.
I’ve been feeling lost recently. Lost and alone. This song seems to depict everything I’m feeling.
This is starting to become a bit of a hindrance, well a problem anyway.
And when I have a problem I find it best to try to get to the root of the problem.
It doesn’t make sense. I live in a house with a constant influx of people, a village full of even more people and I’m surrounded by the best friends a girl could ask for. But when that light turns off at night and it’s dark and all I have with me are my own thoughts I feel completely and utterly and entirely lost.
Last night was my first night alone since June 2011. That’s right, since I first went into hospital over three years ago I haven’t been alone once! I don’t think it’s happened deliberately but for some reason I’ve never been left alone. Last night I felt so alone.
It’s safe to say sleep was most definitely not on the agenda. After hours of tossing and turning and fabricating escapes out of the window from the burglars who I had envisaged were rooting through our possessions downstairs I blockaded myself in my room and finally started to close my eyes and that is when the cat decided it was time to play. Is it really necessary to need to push every single item off every single surface in my room Mr Buttons? For well over an hour? Really??
It made me think back and reminisce about the days of insomnia. Anyone that’s struggled with day to day living whilst suffering from insomnia will feel my plight. Not only is it the inability to shut off at night, it’s the inability to function properly the next day.
All in all insomnia sucks.
So does feeling alone. So does feeling lost.
But today is a new day. The sun is shining. I’m going to my first ever hospital appointment all on my very own. Today is a good day.